Concerning the Moustache
(Italicized lines from Etiquette for Every Day by Mrs. Humphrey, 1904, pg 76, The Hatless Man by Sarah Kortum)
A man with a trivial nose should not wear a large moustache
if the nose be small as a tiny thread bobbin, forget it entirely.
Persisting in this facial hair folly
will increase the insignificance of his insignificant nose
His nose will spite him, refusing to smell the smoke of fires
or the ham roasting in the oven.
Sometimes the ends of a man’s moustache are visible to persons walking behind him
like two boot-black chevrons peeking out, pointing in opposite directions,
especially if he be thin as a darkened lamp post.
This imports to him a belligerent, aggressive air.
If he ties a young lady to the train tracks, he will always say his moustache
is to blame.
The moustache is really the tentacles of an alien dwelling on his upper lip.
It’s not his fault.
Lucy Simpson, 2-27-2013